Tuesday, September 2, 2014

My scientific discovery of a 3rd type of Tear

Evidently the chemical composition of your tears are different depending on whether they are tears of sorrow or tears of joy. For example, if you are stressed and have tears of sorrow, then you can expect different oils and enzymes and salt to make up the composition of the tear. Now there is even evidence that there are protein-based hormones including the neurotransmitter leucine enkephalin, which acts as a natural painkiller in times of stress (Source - The Topography of Tears by Rose Lynn Fisher).

Since my move to South East Asia, I believe I have made a new scientific discovery of a 3rd type of tear.... the tears that a human experiences while being out in public space while clenching his teeth, hands, and butt cheeks while praying to Buddha, God, and even L. Ron Hubbard for a miracle.  Yes - you guessed it.  Those my friends are the unique tears you get from being struck by a horrible case of diarrhea in a public setting miles away from a toilet.

The chemical make-up of this tear is so much more complex than the others because it is drawn from a unique composition of mixed emotions all striking you like a lightning bolt to the tallest rod on the Empire State Building.

It can hit you at anytime, but in my experience you usually experience it when your away from home, perhaps while sitting in a taxi stuck in traffic, waiting in the hall 5 minutes before an hour long job interview, while driving back home on a date right before you intend to get lucky, or while standing in a subway carriage that has somehow stopped in the middle of the tracks with a notice that the train will not move for another 30 minutes due to French labor strikes.

These tears have such a kaleidoscope of chemical composition due to the human body's natural chemical signals used to deal with the onset of change to its stress levels, that we are just at the beginning of understanding its organic makeup.

Here is the timeline of emotions: First comes surprise (what!)...then shock (oh no!)...then rage (I can't freaking believe this!!)...then fear (uh oh)...then blame (I knew that shitty restaurant was dodgy!)...then remorse (Why didn't I just stick to the soup!).  The only emotion that you are missing is relief, and you would be in serious trouble if that relief was at that very moment.

Why am I raising this subject now? For some strange reason, since I've moved here the foreigners in the region just love to exchange their diarrhea trauma stories like WWII veterans trading war stories. I've never heard of more incidents about body functions since the year all my friends decided to have kids and decide that the subject of kids diaper poo was awesome.

How do you end up inviting the Gastro Intestinal Boogey Man into your digestive track?  Let me educate you on the common methods found here:

1) Thai Papaya Salad (Som Tam) - Evidently these street food delicacies have a secret flavor ingredient: A dime sized bacteria laden baby crab crushed whole in the pestel and mortar along with the other ingredients. My Thai friend Ton who is a chef has a few nicknames for it:   'Thai Jackpot' or 'Thai Russian Roulette'  See the crab below!?!  You didn't know did you and you've had how many papaya salads by now?  Jackpot!

2) Eat raw seafood at a restaurant that specializes in meat - The inspiration for this blog comes from my recent food poisoning at Lawry's Prime Rib in Singapore. A colleague of mine and I ate the raw oysters which were cold on the surface but warm in the middle which indicates that its been sitting in the heat and thrown on the ice at the last minute before serving. Or it could have been the chopped salad, which was chopped like days before and put into a refrigerator.  Our final theory is that it could have been the spinach which sits in their Jetson's era robot looking food trolley which looks like a giant metal bacteria petri box to me.

I ended up losing 10 pounds in 5 days. When I told my new fitness coach that getting food poisoning was more effective than his training regiment he was seriously pissed off!

3) Shower with your mouth open - Evidently I met a dude who lived in India for 4 years and he said that its often the water spray from your shower that will get you sick.  So avoid brushing your teeth in tapwater, drinks with ice, and showers with your mouth open.

4) Don't be a hero - Asking for your food to be spicy cuz' you think your awesome in Thailand is like asking Tony Jaa to to shin kick a grenade into your butt.

5) All you can eat Buffet - New Years dinner at Kho Pagnan Island several years ago, our UCPA French adventure tour treated us to a special New Years meal!  Thai hot pot Buffet!  Gotta love the french.  They love to eat all their food cooked rare and raw and never realized that the meat in their chopsticks has been sitting open air in the hot thai sun for days.  Elodie and I barely escaped with our lives because I cooked the hell out of everything, but everyone else described the aftermath as 'the battle of Verdun'.

So - If any of you are interested in participating in cataloging this new 3rd tear, come pay us a visit.  We will put you through one of the above steps and then get you stuck in line somewhere like the local immigration visa office to reproduce the perfect 3rd tear environment.