Monday, July 5, 2010

I'm in Sweden and not a freaking meatball in sight

If you ever wanted to get a tan in your sleep I recommend trying a hotel in Sweden. Every morning I wake up at 2:30 am and if you were here in my room now you would say that my room more resembles a tanning salon than a hotel room.

For those who are just as ignorant as I in the ways of life above the 59th parallel , let me explain. Because it is so North, the sun goes down at 11 PM and comes back'a blazin at 2:30 am during this time of year. I guess I had to learn that little bit of geography the hard way, because it is as FREAKING BRIGHT as a my little pony magic rainbow in my room.

Compounding the problem is the fact that i sleep with my eyes open. Yep. OPEN... ask Elodie.. she will confirm.

So I've been invited to do some work in Sweden for a week and got super lucky with the fact that the hotels are fully booked. So i basically had the choice of being put into a room with no windows (it's no wonder they have a high suicide rate here) or the luxury suite on the top floor (sweeeeet). Well, I got placed in sweeeeeet for a week!

Its my first time to Sweden and I thought that I did have some notion about what life in Sweden might be like. I was actually quite surprised to see how much of it I got wrong:

Surprise #1 - You indeed are ugly.

So of course, you would think that if you came to Sweden you are surrounded by beautiful blonde model quality women all around you. Not at all true. There are beautiful brunette model quality women all around you as well. Having just flown in from Paris, I was quite surprised by the fact that there is no way you can't feel underdressed around these guys. It's like they are all dressed for a private yacht party, and you were dressed up as their galley cook.

Surprise #2 - The Swedes are not as progressive as you would think

The princess of Sweden just married her gym coach..which you could say is pretty progressive. The rules state however that a commoner male can never marry into the family and become king. A woman can however make it all the way to the top. Eh hem.. glass ceiling???

Surprise #3 - Swedes sit upon a throne of lies.

I've been here for an entire week and not a god damn meatball in sight. Who said swedish people eat meatballs? All I see is freaking sushi bars. And these sushi bars aren't even japanese. They are thai and chinese people prentending to be Japanese. Whenever I ask a Swede where to go for some meatballs, they say "Try Ikea"

Surprise #4 - I am getting a stocking full of coal for Christmas this year

I have never seen a reindeer in my lifetime. Yet someone asked me to buy a reindeer fur as a present. So I've got this incredibly huge Rudolph Rug rolled up in my suitcase.

Surprise # 5 - Koreans are allergic to Reindeer

My eyes are freaking itching like crazy ever since I bought that damn thing. Who knew that Koreans had this genetic weakness?

Surprise # 6 - Swedish people like to make fun of Norwegians

They nickname them "Seal Clubbers of the North" or simply just call them Norwegians.

Surprise # 7 - ABBA is for the tourists and Mama Mia is not shown year round

Even those damn Paraguay flute players with the funny hats play "Take a Chance on Me" on the street corners. It's kind of like listening to Rod Stewart played on the bagpipes.

Surpise # 8 -

The alcohol tax is uber expensive. Buying a round of drinks for your friends cost as much as a round trip ticket back to France. Since the country is cold, freezing, and envelopped in darkness half the year, the gas companies lobbied to make this reliable source of social heating less accessible to stifle the competitive market.

Surprise # 9 -

Don't ever do anything nasty against the Swedes. The Danish beheaded a bunch of Swedish aristocrats 200 years ago and they are still pissed off about it today. There's not a moment that doesn't pass where the Swede's don't talk about their retarded neighbors and how they got to go to the World Cup despite the fact that they they are cold blooded murderers.

Surprise #10 -

If you are famous and die in some gruesome way, the Swedes immediately think about the retail value of your demise. A visit to the Royal Costume Museum has on display all these original bloodied and muddied outfits when the Kings and Princes were all stabbed, shot, or clubbed in the name of their country. Even the poor horse of the king got stuffed and preserved in clever decision to increase ticket sales.

1 comment:

  1. how i missed these missives from abroad. so excellent. btw, that's what you get for skinning Rudolph. karma. and plus the fact that Koreans don't like animals unless they're bbq'd. you know it!